- So what happened?[br]Did a forest tick you off?
We always say[br]we need a place for the mail.
I started building one. But then[br]I decided to take it to the next step.
You’ re building a post office?
No, an entertainment unit,[br]with a built-in mail cubby.
It’s a one-day job, max.
My word, those are snug!
These are my old work pants.
Sergio valente.
Power saw kind of got away[br]from me there.
The One With Frank Jr.
Subtitles and Rip by[br].:staz:. (staz@post.cz)
- Hey, Pheebs.[br]Any sign of your brother?
No, but he’s always late.
-I thought you only met him once.[br]-I did.
I think it sounds big sister-y,[br]”Frank’s always late. “
Well, relax. He’ll be here.
I know.[br]I’ m just nervous.
It’s just, Mom’s dead,[br]don’t talk to my sister. . .
. . .Grandma’s been sleeping[br]a lot lately.
It’s just the “Iast-desperate-[br]chance-to-have-a-family” kind of thing.
You’ re sweet to wait with me.
- Actually, Gunther sent me. You’ re not[br]allowed to have cups out here.
Does anyone else think[br]David Copperfield’s cute?
No. But he told me he thinks[br]you’ re a fox.
- All right. Janice likes him.
In fact, she likes him so much,[br]she put him on her “freebie” Iist.
- Her what?
- We have a deal where we each pick five[br]celebrities we could sleep with. . .
. . .and the other one can’t get mad.
- The heart of every[br]healthy relationship:
Honesty, respect[br]and sex with celebrities.
- So who’s on your list?
Kim Basinger. . .
. . .Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry. . .
. . .Yasmine Bleeth. . .
. . .and Jessica Rabbit.
- You do realize that she is a cartoon,[br]and way out of your league?
I know. I just wonder if I could[br]get her eyes to pop out of her head.
Who would yours be?
First, I need a boyfriend.[br]Then I can have a list.
- It’s just a game, Mon.
Rach, how about you?
I don’t know. I guess Chris[br]O’ Donnell, John F. Kennedy Jr. . .
. . .Daniel Day-Lewis, Sting[br]and Parker Stevenson.
- Spiderman?
- Hardy Boy.
-Peter Parker.[br]-Thank you.
- What about you, honey?[br]Who’d be on your list?
That kind of thing[br]requires some serious thought.
First, I’d divide my prospective[br]candidates into categories.
- What a geek!
Everybody, this is Frank![br]My half brother, Frank!
This is everybody.
-This is Ross.[br]-How are you?
This is Monica.
And this is Rachel.
I’ m gonna get coffee for us.
Hey, how do you guys get[br]anything done?
We don’t, really.
Do you guys have big plans?
Oh, yeah. We’ re gonna connect[br]and bond and everything.
- I thought we could go down to Times[br]Square and pick up some ninja stars.
My friend, Larry, he wants me[br]to take a picture of a hooker.
- We really don’t take advantage[br]of living in the city.
- Oh, sorry. Did I get you?
- No, you didn’t “get” me!
It’s an electric drill!
You “get” me, you kill me!
Calm down![br]Do you want this unit or not?
- I do not want this unit!
You should’ve told me before.[br]I’ m not a mind reader.
And we’ re out of beer.[br]I’ m going to Monica’s.
Fine!
Where you heading in those pants?[br]1 982?
I saw down at the hardware store, they[br]got those designer tiles on sale. . .
. . .if you wanna redo[br]your bathroom floor.
- What’s wrong with my bathroom floor?
Nothing. It’s just old and dingy,[br]that’s all.
I highly doubt that.
- If you move your hamper. . .
. . .you see how[br]the tile used to be.
- I can’t live like this![br]What are we gonna do?
Relax. Here, hold this.
This old stuff comes right up.[br]I’ll show you.
A little more than I wanted to see.
Look at that![br]Every inch of this is glued down!
It’d take forever to pry this up.[br]You should just leave it.
I can’t leave it! You gouged[br]a hole in my dingy floor!
There. There you go.
Yeah, that’s nice.
We can put it back there after the[br]surgeons remove it from your colon!
- I know what I wanted to ask you.[br]Can you roll your tongue?
Because I can and my mom couldn’t.
And I figured that was[br]something I got from our dad.
Well, wait, you mean like this?
Yeah, you can do it too. Yeah.
You’ re not doing it.
Oh, right. Okay.[br]Yeah, my mom could and I can’t.
We don’t have that.
- When’s your birthday?
February 1 6th.
I know a guy who’s the 1 8th.
- That’s close.
When’s yours?
- October 25th.
That’s the same month as Halloween.
So what kind of things[br]do you like to do at home?
Melt stuff.
- Okay, I’ve got three of my five.[br]-Three of your five what?
Celebrities I’ m allowed to sleep with.
- God, you’ re giving this[br]a lot of thought.
Hey, it’s hard, okay?[br]I only have two spots left.
- All right. Who you got it[br]narrowed down to?
Elizabeth Hurley.
very attractive.
Forgiving.
- Susan Sarandon.
You know what? She’s too political.
She’d probably make you donate[br]four cans of food first.
- And lsabella Rossellini.
very hot. very sexy.
But she’s too international.[br]She’s never gonna be around.
-So?[br]-So you gotta play the odds.
Pick somebody who’s gonna be[br]in the country all the time.
- Yeah. Because that’s why you won’t[br]get lsabella Rossellini. Geography.
Okay. So by “melting”[br]you meant melting.
So is it, like, art?
- Yeah, you can melt art.
Hey, can I use your phone?
-Sure. You want to call your mom?[br]-No, I want to melt it.
Oh. Well, not right now.
I’ m gonna go to bed. The fumes[br]are giving me a headache. So. . . .
Good night, “bro. “
- Good night.
- Here.
Just in case.
Oh, excellent!
What kind of karate is that?
- br]-No kind.
He just makes it up.
-How’s it going with you guys?[br]-So far it kind of blows.
I don’t know, I just thought[br]he’d feel more like a brother.
Like you and Ross.[br]Close and connected and. . . .
We’ re close now.[br]You wouldn’t believe the years. . .
. . .of noogies, and wedgies, and flying[br]wedgies, and atomic wedgies and. . . .
That’s when the waistband[br]goes over your head.
We drove each other crazy[br]playing the shadow game.
- How do you play the shadow game?[br]-How do you play the shadow game?
-I just asked you.
- I just asked you.
I don’t have time for this.
-That is what the game is.[br]-You just gave up really quickly.
- -Seen Joey?[br]-What’s the matter?
Oh, just this!
It’s my fault, really, because the[br]couch is where we keep the varnish.
- Somebody wanna hand me[br]one of those tiles?
- What’s going on?[br]-He’s retiling my floor.
Spackle boy!
-Get up![br]-You started this, you’ll finish it!
- He started mine first!
Build the unit, Cinderellie[br]Lay the tile, Cinderellie
Big octopus.
Oh, my God! I totally forgot!
Well, can’t someone else do it?
But I have company.
Look, that’s all right.[br]I’ll come in.
I’ m sorry,[br]but I have to go into work.
It’s one of my regulars who’s[br]insisting that I do him, so. . . .
- Hey, what kind of work do you do?
I’ m a masseuse.
I give people massages and stuff.
You work at one of[br]those massage parlors?
Well, you know, we don’t call it that.[br]But, yeah.
That’s wild.
No, I had no idea.
- Alrighty.
I’ll be back in a little bit.
Unless you want to come with me.
- You mean, like, watch?
No. No, you can get one yourself.[br]It’ll be on the house.
What are big sisters for?
- Well, I don’t think this. You know?
No. No, no.[br]I wouldn’t do you myself.
I mean, that would be weird.
I’ll get one of the[br]other girls to do it.
This is so much fun!
Are you excited?
- Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
- It’s beautiful!
It’s like the first bathroom[br]floor there ever was!
What are you going in there for?
Y
- ou want, like, a number?
Hi. Bye.
Okay. I’ m done with my choices.
These are final.
–
- Well, it’s about time.[br]-Yeah. very official.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know, Chandler[br]printed it up on his computer.
And who laminated it?
That was me.
- All right, let me see.
“Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder,[br]Elizabeth Hurley. . .
. . .Michelle Pfeiffer. . .
. . .Dorothy Hamill”?
- Hey, it’s my list!
You do realize she only spins[br]like that on ice?
-What’s going on?[br]-She broke my arm!
-He touched my fanny.[br]-She touched mine first!
That’s my job!
So what’s the deal? I can have sex[br]with you but I can’t touch you?
–
- You can’t have sex with her![br]-Did you think I was a hooker?
No, okay. I know. You’ re a masseuse.[br]It’s cool. I’ m not a cop!
- Ask Mr. Wiffler if he[br]can wait for five minutes.
Fine.
- I don’t like you.
So that’s what you thought I did?[br]God!
That’s not what I do!
Wait, that’s not what you do?
No!
Why would you think that?
- I don’t know. This is the city,[br]you know? I just. . . .
I mean. . .
. . .I don’t know.
Whatever. It’s the perfect end[br]to the perfect weekend anyway.
- Oh, wait.
No, you’ re right.[br]No, it was perfect.
I can’t believe[br]I screwed it up so bad.
You thought it was perfect?
Well, no, maybe it wasn’t perfect. . .
. . .but you know, it was pretty cool,[br]you know?
Because we had all those[br]great talks, you know?
- Which ones in particular[br]were great for you?
Well, you know, about[br]the tongue thing, you know?
And how I told you about[br]my likes and my dislikes.
How I like to melt stuff, and how[br]I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt.
- Right. Okay.
I feel like I can really talk to you[br]because you’ re my sister, you know?
Yeah. I guess I do.
And then I go feel your friend up[br]and make you mad at me.
Well, I wasn’t hopping mad,[br]you know?
You hopped a little bit.
Yeah, I’ m really sorry.[br]You know, I’ m really. . . .
Okay.
Well, this is my favorite part[br]of the weekend. Right now. This.
This?
Oh, come on. We went to Times Square.
We found ninja stars. I almost[br]get my arm broken by a hooker–
- She’s not a hooker.
When I tell my friends about her,[br]she will be.
On 3!
1 , 2–
- Why don’t we just go on 2?
Why 2?
Because it’s faster.
I could’ve counted to 3 four times[br]without all the “2” talk.
-All right, but in the future–[br]-Heavy thing! Not getting lighter!
1 , 2–
So we are going with two?
- A good job, Joe.
- Wow.
It’s big.
So big it actually makes[br]our doors look smaller.
- Maybe my ruler’s wrong.
- Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
- It’s not that bad. So it blocks a[br]little of your door, a little of mine.
I got a better idea.
How about it blocks none of my door,[br]and a lot of your door?
Listen, before I forget,[br]that side is still wet.
Let me just see[br]if I’ve got this right.
So this is a half-caf, double-tall,[br]easy hazelnut. . .
. . .nonfat, no foam, with whip,[br]extra-hot latte, right?
Okay. Great.
You freak.
- Thank you.
- A coffee to go, please.
Isabella Rossellini!
Are you serious? Oh, my God!
- Damn! I cannot believe[br]I took her off my list!
Why? Because otherwise[br]you’d go for it?
- Yeah, maybe.
Y
- ou lie.
You don’t think I’d go up to her?
It took you 1 0 years to finally admit[br]you liked me.
- Yeah? Well, missy, you better be glad[br]that list is laminated.
You know what, honey? You go ahead.[br]We’ll call her an alternate.
Hold my cruller.
Are you really gonna[br]let him do this?
He’s about to go hit[br]on lsabella Rossellini.
I’ m just sorry we don’t got popcorn.
- I’ m Ross.
You don’t know me,[br]but I’ m a big, big fan of yours.
I mean. . .
…Blue Velvet.
I was wondering if I could maybe[br]buy you a cup of coffee.
Or reimburse you for that one.
Aren’t you with that girl over there?
Well, yeah, kind of.
But that’s okay.[br]We have an understanding.
We each have this list of five famous[br]people, and you were one of mine.
So I’ m allowed to sleep with you.
It’s flattering.
I don’t know–
Wait. Wait, lsabella.
Don’t dismiss this so fast. This is[br]a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Yeah, for you.
Is that the list?
-Yes.[br]-Can I see it?
-Come on.[br]-But– Okay.
I’ m not on the list!
But that’s not the final draft.
It’s laminated.
Okay, see, you were on my list.
But then my friend, Chandler. . .
. . .brought up the point[br]that you are international.
So I bumped you for Winona Ryder.[br]Local.
You know, it’s ironic,[br]because I have a list. . .
. . .of five goofy coffeehouse guys.
And yesterday, I just bumped you[br]for that guy over there.
We’ re just gonna be friends.
You know what?
Bet you I could fit in there.
I got five bucks says you can’t.
Get out your checkbook, mister.
Oh, I think I have the cash.
You are dog, man!
I totally fit!
Yeah. You got me.
I’ m out five big ones.
There you go.
Thank you.
Oh, well, hello, Mr. Lincoln!
Better luck next time, buddy!
And the drinks are on me!
