FRIENDS 3-18

What’s so funny?
Nothing. It’s an acting exercise.[br]I’m practicing my fake laugh.
What? What’s so funny?
No, no. There’s none of that in here.Come on. At least let me[br]finish this last one.
Only if you give me a drag.
Oh, dark mother, once again[br]I suckle at your smoky teat.
Why don’t you hold on to that one.
That’s like the least fun game ever.
I’m sick of your smoking,[br]so I brought something. . .
. . .that is going to help you quit.
That patch is no good.
It’s a hypnosis tape.
A woman at work used it for two weeks[br]and hasn’t smoked since.
What’s your problem?
Nothing. It’s just that[br]hypnosis is beyond crap.
I watched you get hypnotized[br]in Atlantic City.
That guy did not hypnotize me, okay?
You always pull your pants down[br]and play “Wipe Out” on your butt.
Forget hypnosis.
The way to quit smoking is to[br]dance naked in a field of heather. . .
. . .and then bathe in the sweat[br]of six healthy, young men.
Or what my father calls[br]”Thursday night. “
The One With the Hypnosis Tape
Subtitles and Rip by[br].:staz:. (staz@post.cz)
-Here you go.[br]-I didn’t want cinnamon on this.
Sorry.
Oh, my God! Frank!
How are you?
What are you doing here?
I would’ve called,[br]but I lost your number.
And then my mom locked me out of[br]the house, so I couldn’t find it.
Then I tried to find a pay phone,[br]and the receiver was cut off.
What happened?
vandalism.
But also, what happened[br]between you and your mom?
We got in a fight. She said that[br]I was too immature to get married.
You’re getting married?
My little brother’s getting married!
I knew you’d be so cool about this.[br]Do you wanna meet her?
Do l?
Do you?
Yeah, I do.
Cool, all right.[br]She’s just parking the truck.
I gonna go get my fiance, man!
I’d have bet good money that he’d be[br]the first one of us to get married.
Isn’t it fantastic?
Don’t you think he’s[br]a little young to get married?
Well, he’s 1 8.
It’ll be illegal for him to drink[br]at his own bachelor party.
Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Always illegal, Joe.
This is my fiance. . .
. . .Mrs. Knight.
That’s my sister.
You know, it’s funny.
Frank told me so much about you, but[br]you’re not how I pictured you at all.
Yeah, I’m a big surprise.
Here, grab a seat.
So how did you guys meet?
I was in Mrs. Knight’s. . . .
I mean, Alice. Sorry.[br]I always do that.
I was in her home-ec class.
He was my best student.
She was my best teacher.
If that doesn’t keep kids in school,[br]what will?
And so now you guys[br]are gonna be married?
We talked about[br]just living together. . .
. . .but we want kids right away.
Oh, my God!
Great!
Kids. Frank, are you sure[br]you’re ready for that?
How hard can it be?
You know, I mean, babies.[br]Who doesn’t want babies? Right?
And besides,[br]I never had a dad around.
And now I always will,[br]because it’ll be me.
Really, we do realize that there’s[br]an age difference between us.
Good. Because you were[br]acting like you didn’t.
But when it comes to love,[br]what does age matter?
You are falling fast asleep.
Deeper, deeper, deeper.
You are now completely asleep.
You don ‘t need to smoke.
Cigarettes don ‘t control you.
You are a strong, confident woman…
… who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman.
You know what?
I realized in the last year I’ve[br]only gone out with Richard and Julio.
You gotta help me out, set me up.[br]Get me back in the game.
Not a problem.
I work in fashion, and all I meet[br]are eligible straight men.
Can I get you something else?
Cheesecake and a date,[br]if you’re giving them out.
Haven’t we covered that topic?
You just said to her–
You wanna go out with me. . .
. . .because of my wig, the big boobs,[br]and I serve you food.
If that were true,[br]I’d be dating my Aunt Ruth.
And the two times we went out,[br]it was plain awkward.
You think she should go out with me,[br]don’t you?
You sure you wanna go out with her?
That ain’t a pretty picture[br]in the morning.
That wig all in disarray,[br]and boobs flung over the nightstand.
Think about it.
Oh, I will.
No, I know.[br]I know that this is Frank’s life.
I don’t wanna be judgmental,[br]but it’s sick. It’s sick and wrong!
What, is it the age thing?
I’m fine with the age thing. . .
. . .until it sticks its tongue[br]down my brother’s throat.
Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
You think he’ll enjoy it when he’s[br]up to his elbows in diapers. . .
. . .of all the babies[br]they have to have right away?
This is not fair to Frank,[br]and it’s not fair to the babies.
You know what?[br]It’s not good home economics.
Have you told him how you feel?
Yes. Not out loud.
If you don’t tell him, soon he’ll be[br]married, then you’ll hate yourself.
Yeah, but if I do tell him,[br]then he’s gonna hate myself.
Look at him and his mom.[br]I can’t.
But you guys can.[br]You talk him out of it.
Come on, you guys.
You have nothing to lose.[br]I have everything to lose.
Do you want me to lose everything?[br]Everything?
Okay, I’m gonna go get Frank.
We’re walking down the street,[br]and I turn to you and say:
“Let’s go hang out at[br]Totally Nude Nudes. ” Remember?
And then you say, “Let’s just[br]hang out at your place. “
Well, that was a nice move, dumb ass.
I think you should[br]go out with this guy.
He doesn’t do anything for me.
Last Saturday night, what happened[br]on Walker, Texas Ranger?
Walker was looking for[br]this big busload of kids.
All right, I get your point.
I forgot the combination to this[br]about a year ago.
I just carry it around.
You got any Chap Stick?
How are those tapes working out?
Good. I haven’t smoked yet today.
I feel great and confident.[br]That is a stunning blouse.
Thank you.
-Here you go.[br]-Thanks.
Let’s give Pete a chance.[br]He was funny. He seems really nice.
That check thing was adorable.
What check thing?
As a joke, this customer who has a[br]crush on me, gave me a $20,000 tip.
His number’s on the check.[br]He did it so I’d call.
Pete Becker. Pete–
Is this him?
That’s Bill Clinton.
Who’s he hugging?
Oh, my God. That’s Pete.[br]Why is Bill hugging Pete?
This guy invented Moss 865.
Every office in the world[br]uses that program.
-We use it![br]-There you go!
Monica’s gonna go out[br]with a millionaire.
I’m not gonna go out with him.
I can’t believe this is a real[br]$20,000 check. This is so exciting.
Or incredibly offensive.
Yeah, sure. That too.
What?
All we’re saying is,[br]don’t rush into anything.
Come on, think about it.[br]You’re 1 8. She’s 44.
When you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88.
You don’t think I know that?
The point is. . .
. . .there’s a lot of women[br]you haven’t had sex with yet.
He’s right. He’s right.[br]This is your time.
You’re young. You’re weird.[br]Chicks dig that.
Isn’t sex better when it’s with[br]one person that you really care about?
Yeah, in a poem, maybe.
No, the man’s right.[br]That’s what I had with Rachel.
Not anymore?
No. I slept with someone else.
So wait. So how did that[br]make things better?
It didn’t.
What you used to have with Rachel[br]is what I got with Alice.
Now, what is that like?
It’s so cool, man.
It’s because being with her is so[br]much better than not being with her.
-Why can’t I find that?[br]-I had it and I blew it.
Well, I want it!
You can have it.
Maybe there’s something wrong with me.
No, it’s out there, man.[br]I’ve seen it! I got it!
-Then, you hold on to it![br]-All right, man!
All right! Congratulations,[br]you lucky bastard!
You’re Frank’s best man?
I couldn’t help it.[br]Their love is so pure.
What about you, huh?
I’m the ring bearer.
I’m so glad you could come.[br]I’ve got a real home-ec emergency.
Oh, my God. Who died on this?
It’s a real “mustard-tastrophe. “
Can you help?
Absolutely. First, we’ll start[br]with a little club soda and salt.
-Then if that doesn’t work–[br]-Forget it. It’s ruined.
Never say that. If you can’t[br]get it out, cut around the stain. . .
. . .add a little lace,[br]you make a stylish throw.
Or instead, maybe you could just[br]not marry my brother, Frank?
Can we make it smaller?[br]Make it fit on the head of a pin?
I love when we make things[br]fit on the head of a pin.
You have Monica Geller here.
Absolutely. Yeah, send her in.
What the hell is this?
Hang on for a sec.[br]I’ll talk to you in the morning?
You got it.
I’m sorry. What?
What’s this supposed to mean?
Well, you know,[br]I never know how much to tip.
You double the tax.[br]Not double the tax of Romania.
Are you buying me? ls this how[br]you get girls to go out with you?
I’m still here.
You’re taking this wrong.[br]If I didn’t leave you that tip. . .
. . .you wouldn’t have come,[br]we wouldn’t have this argument. . .
. . .and there wouldn’t be[br]this heat between us.
You gotta admit that our relationship[br]is hitting a new level now.
You were the chef[br]and I was the customer.
But now we’re this couple that fights.
You’re a loon.
Look, forget the check, okay?[br]I like you.
I think you’re great.
Come on, what do you say?
I don’t know.
Why not?
I don’t wanna encourage[br]this behavior.
One meal.[br]That’s all I’m asking for. Please?
We go out, we eat.
If you don’t have a good time,[br]I’ll give you 1 0 grand, we’re even.
Wait, no. Just put the mail down.[br]It’s me.
Sorry. Why were you[br]just all in the dark?
Your laundry smelled so good[br]that I thought I’d curl up in it.
-Is that all right?[br]-Yeah, sure.
So how was your day?
It’s just probably the worst one[br]since I’ve been alive.
What happened?
Alice. . . .[br]She called it off.
Did she say why?
No. Just that I was too young.
I don’t see how I could[br]suddenly be too young. . .
. . .because I’m older than I was[br]when we first got together.
I don’t know. But you know what?[br]Maybe it’s just all for the best.
Well, yeah, if the best is[br]like unbelievable pain.
Oh, sweetie.
You know, I was just finally happy.
For the first time in my life. . .
. . .after my dad left me. . .
. . .and then getting arrested[br]for stealing those birds. . .
. . .and then the whole[br]punctured-lung thing.
It’s still really hard to take[br]deep breaths in cold weather. . .
. . .but with Alice,[br]all that stuff kind of went away.
And now it’s gone,[br]and I don’t know why.
Well, I can tell you why.[br]It’s because of me.
But you know what? I only did it[br]because I love you, okay?
What?
I kind of had a little chat[br]with Alice. . .
. . .and I sort of made her see[br]why you two shouldn’t be together.
And you’ll see it too, one day.[br]You really, really will.
Wait a minute.[br]This is because of you?
My mother didn’t want us[br]to be together. . .
. . .but the worst thing she did[br]was tie me to the porch.
I came to you because[br]I thought you’d understand.
I would storm out of here. . .
. . .if I had some money[br]or a place to go.
Oh, my God! The millionaire’s here!
Oh, my God!
I’m just gonna have dinner with him.
Okay, just because he buys you dinner[br]does not mean you owe him anything.
I know.
Okay, then get the lobster.
How much cash you got[br]in your pocket now?
And that’s why I’m not[br]inviting you in for a drink.
Why not? Hey, come in for drink.
-Where do you wanna go?[br]-You like pizza?
-That sounds great.[br]-I know a great little place.
You’re not paying for the pizza.
Come on, it’s only fair.[br]You paid for the flight.
Is that enough lira?
I’d throw another 1 000 on that.
-How much is that?[br]-That’s about 60 cents.
Every night!
You don ‘t need to smoke.
Cigarettes don ‘t control you.
You are a strong, confident woman…
… who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman…
… who does not need to smoke.
Look, I know that you think I did[br]this totally evil thing.
But I so didn’t.
Someone’s here who can explain this[br]better than I can.
Hi, Mrs. Knight.
Phoebe’s right, Frank.
It’s hard to hear, but it would’ve[br]been wrong to go through with it.
I was being selfish.
Even though we want[br]the same things right now. . .
. . .in the future, we may not.
-Is that what it is?[br]-Yes, but not just that.
Not just that.
Even though we love each other[br]as much as we do. . .
. . .nonetheless. . . .
Nonetheless.
You’re too young. . .
. . .to really know what you want.
That’s right, exactly.
That’s a goodbye kiss.[br]That’s good.
Bye-bye.
The important thing is,[br]is that you see what I’m saying.
This is clearly wrong.
I’ve decided I’m gonna[br]let this happen.
Can I just get my purse?
Okay, all right, good.
Cigarettes don ‘t control you.
You are a strong, confident woman…
… who does not need to smoke.
Joey’s your best friend.
You wanna make him[br]a cheese sandwich every day.
And you also wanna buy him[br]hundreds of dollars worth ofpants.