- Welcome, everybody![br]Welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
- It’s on again!
- Guys, could we please[br]not watch this?
- This ever happen to you?[br]You go to get a glass of milk…
…but these cartons are so[br]flinging, flanging hard to open!
- Boy, you said it, Mike.
-There’s gotta be a better way.
- -There is, Kevin!
- Can we please turn this off?
- No way, Kevin!
What if I told you there’s[br]a new product that guarantees…
… you’ll never have to open up[br]milk cartons again?
Meet the Milkmaster 2000!
- -Intrigued?
- You’ re flinging, flanging right I am!
- This is the first time he’s used this.[br]You’ll see how easy this is to do.
-This works in any milk carton.
- Wow, it is easy!
Now I can have milk every day.
- It’s official.[br]There are no good movies.
- So let’s go to a bad one,[br]and make out.
- Perhaps you’d like me to turn[br]so you can bunny-bump against my back?
- -Hey, man. What’s up?[br]-Maybe you can tell me.
My agent wants to know why I didn’t[br]show up at my audition today. . .
. . .my first good one in weeks.[br]How could you not give me the message?
- I’ll tell you, I do enjoy guilt. . .
. . .but it wasn’t me.
- Yes, it was.[br]It was him!
Okay, it was me!
- -How was it you?
- -Well, it was all so crazy, you know?
Chandler was in the closet,[br]counting to 1 0. . .
. . .and I hadn’t found a place[br]to hide yet.
I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all[br]down on my hand. See? All of it.
- Yep, that’s my audition.
- See? Now, this is why I keep[br]notepads everywhere.
- Yep. And that’s why we don’t[br]invite you to play.
- What is the great tragedy here?[br]Get yourself another appointment.
- Estelle tried. The casting director[br]told her I missed my chance.
- Well, that is unfair!
I’ll call her.[br]I’ll tell her it was my fault.
- You can’t. The casting director[br]doesn’t talk to friends.
-She only talks to agents.
- What a sad little life she must lead.
- -What are you doing?
- -No, I know, I know.
Hi, this is Caitlin[br]from Phoebe Buffay’s office.
Is Anne there for Phoebe?
She’ll know what it’s about.
- Hang up. Hang up right–
- Annie? Hi. Listen, we’ve got[br]a problem with Joey Tribbiani.
Apparently, he missed his audition.[br]Who did you speak to in my office?
Estelle? I don’t know[br]what to do with her.
So your husband leaves and burns down[br]the apartment. The world doesn’t stop.
- Is anybody else scared?
- If Joey loses this audition, then[br]that is it for Estelle. I don’t care!
Annie, you are a doll. What time can[br]you see him? I need a pen. Pen!
- Get the woman a pad![br]Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
- Oh, now you want a pad.
Where’s my boy?
- Here’s my boy!
And here’s his Barbie!
What’s my boy doing with a Barbie?
- He picked it out at the store.[br]He loves it.
- He carries it everywhere,[br]like a security blanket.
But with ski boots and a kicky beret.
- Yeah, it’s cute.
Why does he have it again?
- So he’s got a doll. So what?
- Unless you’ re afraid[br]he’s gonna grow up to be. . .
. . .in show business.
- This wouldn’t have[br]to do with the fact. . .
. . .that he’s being raised[br]by two women?
- You know what? It’s fine. If you’ re[br]okay with the Barbie thing, so am l.
- Give Daddy the Barbie.[br]Give me the Barbie.
Don’t you wanna play[br]with a monster truck?
No? Okay.
How about a Dino-Soldier?
- You are so pathetic.
Why can’t your son[br]just play with his doll?
- I gotta go to work.
Has anybody seen my left boob?
- I loved that movie.
- Here it is.[br]What are you doing?
- I’ m sorry. It just felt nice.
- Answer the phone.
- I only got one arm. You should[br]do stuff for me. Get me a sweater.
- Just do it! It’s Janice.
And if I get it, I’ll have[br]to see her tonight.
That’s great.[br]I’ll have to see her tonight.
Why don’t you want to see Janice?
Last night at dinner,[br]when the meals came. . .
. . .she put half her chicken piccata[br]on my plate and took all my tomatoes.
And that’s bad. . .
. . .because you hate chicken piccata?
You didn’t want to share your tomatoes.[br]Tomatoes are very important to you.
Suddenly, we were this “couple. “
And this alarm started going off[br]in my head.
“Run for your life![br]Get out of the building! “
Men are unbelievable.
What is it with you people?
The minute you feel something,[br]you have to run away?
- I know. That–
That’s why I don’t want to go tonight.[br]I’ m afraid I’ll say something stupid.
- You mean that “guy thing” where[br]you act mean and distant. . .
. . .until we break up with you?
- You know about that?
- What do I do?[br]I wanna get past this.
I don’t want to be afraid[br]of commitment.
I want to go through the tunnel[br]to the other side!
- Where there’s no fear of commitment.
Do we have any–
Do we have any thoughts here?
I’ve never been through[br]the tunnel myself because. . .
. . .you’ re not allowed through[br]with more than one girl in the car.
But it seems to me it’s pretty much[br]like anything else. Face your fear.
Fear of heights?[br]Go to the top of the building.
You’ re afraid of bugs.
Get a bug.
You have a fear of commitment.
So I say you go in there and you be[br]the most committed guy there ever was!
- Amazingly, that makes sense.
- -Do you think?[br]-Oh, yeah! Go for it, man!
Jump off the high dive!
Stare down the barrel of the gun![br]Pee into the wind!
If I’ m staring down[br]the barrel of a gun. . .
. . .I’ m gonna be pretty much peeing[br]every which way.
- It’s your audition from this morning!
Can I use the phone?
Sure, that’s what it’s there for.[br]Emergencies and pretend agents.
Come on, baby! Come on!
- Hi. I have Phoebe Buffay[br]returning a page.
Okay, she’s in her car.[br]I’ll have to patch you through.
- very nice touch.
- Okay, go ahead.
Talk, talk, talk!
Hi, Annie?
Fantastic. You got it!
Will he work for scale, you ask me?[br]Well, I don’t know about that.
Except that I do and he will.
Great. Oh, you are such a sweetheart.
I would love to have lunch with you!
How about we have lunch next–
Went through a tunnel.
- Unbelievable.
Oh, thank you so much!
It was really fun. I mean, I’ve never[br]talked on a car phone before.
- You are so amazing![br]Could you do me this huge favor?
There’s another audition I want,[br]and Estelle couldn’t get me in.
- I don’t know.[br]It was fun one time, but–
- Please? It would just be[br]this one more.
Well, actually it’s two.
- Two?
- Well, really it’s three.
Please? You’ re so good at it.[br]I love you.
Okay. But just these three, right?
- No, it’s four.
- So how come you wanted[br]to eat in tonight?
Because I wanted. . .
. . .to give you this.
Are you a puppy!
Contact paper!
What do you say when someone[br]you’ re sleeping with. . .
. . .gives you contact paper?
Wait, there’s more.[br]See, the contact paper is to go. . .
. . .in your brand new drawer!
See, the drawer actually[br]goes in my dresser.
You didn’t have to do this.
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.[br]Because you’ re my girlfriend. . .
. . .and that’s what girlfriends[br]should get.
Well, I gotta buy a vowel. . .
. . .because, oh, my God!
Who would’ve thought that someday. . .
. . .Chandler Bing would buy me[br]a drawer?
Well, not me.
But that’s what’s happened.[br]And there’s more.
We should take a trip.
We should?
We’ re a couple,[br]and that’s what couples do.
And I wanna meet your parents.
We should take a trip[br]with your parents!
I don’t think we need to because[br]you’ re tripping me out right now!
Are you okay?
No, I am.
I actually am! This is amazing.
My entire life, I have feared[br]this place.
And now that I’ m here, it’s like,[br]what was the big deal?
I could probably say, “Let’s move in[br]together,” and I’d be okay.
You probably want us[br]to move in together?
-It doesn’t scare me![br]-Yeah, well it scares me!
I’ m not even divorced yet! You just[br]invited me over here for pasta. . .
. . .and now you’ re talking[br]about moving in together.
And I wasn’t even that hungry.
You know what? It’s getting really[br]late, and I should just–
Don’t go! I’ve scared you![br]I’ve said too much!
I’ m hopeless and awkward[br]and desperate for love!
Hey, Janice, it’s me.
I wanted to apologize in advance[br]for having chased you down the street.
Here you go, honey. This will help.
So I catch up to her[br]and she says. . .
. . .this relationship’s going too fast[br]and we have to slow down.
That is never good.
Then I got all. . .
. . .needy and clingy.
Wait a minute. Maybe it’s[br]not so bad. How did you leave it?
She said she’d call me.
Oh, God.
Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
This ice cream tastes like crap,[br]by the way.
Well, it’s that[br]low-cal-nondairy-soymilk junk.
We save the real stuff[br]for the truly terminal cases.
When you’ re getting screwed over all[br]the time, you gotta switch to low fat.
Yeah, you do.
You don’t think I’ m terminal?
Not at all. You’ re not terminal.[br]We just need some damage control.
Okay. Should I call her?
It’s a critical time. If you feel[br]yourself reaching for that phone. . .
. . .go shopping, get your butt[br]in a bubble bath.
If you want her back,[br]you have got to start acting aloof.
She has to know you’ re not needy.
So what you have to do is. . .
. . .you have to accidentally[br]run into her on purpose. . .
. . .and then act aloof.
So I’ m not gonna lose her?
Oh, honey, you’ re not a total loser.
I said, “So I’ m not gonna lose her?”
Guess who’s here!
It’s the toughest guy in Toyland, Ben!
Real American hero[br]I’m G.I. Joe!
Drop the Barbie. Drop the Barbie.
G.I. Joe?
You really think he’ll fall for that?
G.I. Joe?
Cool! Can I play?
Look, Ben! It’s a toy that protects[br]U.S. oil interests overseas!
Go, Joe!
-There you are![br]-No, it’s not. Sorry.
But, Phoebe, wait, wait.[br]Phoebe!
Oh, Joey! Oh, okay![br]See, I didn’t recognize you. . .
. . .in those pants.
That Tv movie I went in for,[br]did you hear anything?
I think I got a shot at it.
Yes, they called![br]You didn’t get it!
Okay? I mean, you didn’t get it.[br]I’ m sorry. I’ m sorry.
That’s okay. These things happen.
But they shouldn’t happen.[br]You know what?
You’ re in a terrible,[br]terrible business.
I don’t want to be the person[br]who makes you look like that.
I’ m okay. See?
Now you’ re sad and creepy.
I’ m sorry. I quit.
No, no, you can’t quit![br]You’ re the best agent I ever had.
Rejection is part of being an actor.[br]You can’t take it personal.
They said they’d never met an ltalian[br]actor with a worse ltalian accent.
They actually said that?
Oh, God, there’s that face again.[br]See? I can’t do this job!
This is why[br]you have to do this job!
Agents always lie.
Estelle just says stuff like,[br]”They went another way. “
But this? I can use this.
I can work on a new accent.
- Yeah, okay. If it[br]helps you, okay. Yeah.
- You’ll never get me, Joe!
- No, thank you.
What are you doing here?
- Just a bit of shopping.
How have you been?
- Are you being British?
- Not anymore.
- Why are you shopping here?[br]You don’t live in this neighborhood.
Were you here waiting for me?
- I’ m just. . .
. . .picking up some things for a party.
- Barley?
What kind of party serves barley?
I’ m sorry if my friends aren’t[br]as sophisticated as yours.
- Where is this party?
Here in Chelsea.
Whose party is it?
A woman’s.
- What woman?
- Chelsea.
- Either you’ re seeing somebody[br]behind my back. . .
. . .which would make you[br]the world’s biggest jerk. . .
. . .or you’ re pretending[br]to see somebody. . .
. . .which makes you so pathetic[br]I could cry right here!
So which of these two guys[br]do you want to be?
Can I be that guy?
- Okay, we got some more good[br]rejections. Lots of stuff to work on.
- Okay. Shoot.
- Okay. Oh, the zoo commercial.
- I didn’t get it?
- They said that you[br]”weren’t believable as a human being. “
So you can work on that.
Great.
What else?
The off-Broadway-play people said[br]that you were “pretty but dumb. “
Oh, no wait. I’ m sorry.[br]That’s “pretty dumb. “
- Look, it’s okay, no, no, no.[br]Really.
Look. . .
. . .I really appreciate this. . .
. . .but I’ m gonna have to[br]go back to Estelle.
Don’t get me wrong.[br]You’ re a better agent than she is. . .
. . .but at least with her, I don’t want[br]to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Yeah, no, I understand.
You do? Thanks. Okay.
Sorry.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Did you just make all that stuff up[br]to get out of being my agent?
- Oh, he caught me.
I am so busted!
- That’s what I suspected!
- And then I just, you know. . .
. . .threw the bag of barley at her[br]and ran out of the store.
- My God, Chandler, we said be “aloof,”[br]not “a doof. “
I’ve actually ruined this, haven’t l?
Is it time for the good ice cream now?
Yeah, it is.
You know what?[br]Everything’s gonna be okay.
Can you hold on for a second?
What do I do?
- I don’t know.[br]This is unprecedented.
If we did what you did,[br]a man would never call.
I got it! Pretend you just woke up.[br]That’ll throw her off!
-Be sleepy![br]-Yes! And grumpy!
What are you–?[br]Stop naming dwarfs!
I’ m so glad that you called.
I know I’ve been acting[br]really weird lately. . .
. . .and it’s just because[br]I’ m crazy about you. . .
. . .and I just got stupid and scared. . .
. . .and stupid a couple more times.
And I’ m sorry.
Really?
Really?
He’s so lucky.[br]If Janice were a guy. . .
. . .she’d be sleeping[br]with somebody else by now.
I love you too.
- It’s so unfair!
- G.I. Joe? G.I. Joe?!
- I don’t know what to tell you guys.[br]That’s the doll he chose.
- What’d you do, dip it in sugar?
- Look, G.I. Joe’s in, Barbie’s out.
And if you guys can’t deal with it,[br]that’s just your too bad.
- What are you being such a weenie for?[br]So he has a Barbie. Big deal.
You used to dress up like a woman.
What?
The way you used to dress up[br]in Mom’s clothes?
- What are you talking about?
- The big hat, the pearls,[br]the little pink handbag?
- Okay. You are totally[br]making this up.
- How can you not remember?
You made us call you “Bea”?
- Oh, God.
I’ve literally never been this happy.
- Wasn’t there a little song?
Oh, please, God,[br]let there be a song.
There was no song.[br]There was no song.
- I am Bea
-I drink tea–[br]-That’s enough.
Won’t you….
Won’t you….
Won’t you….
Won’t you dance around with me?
I am Bea
I drink tea
Won’t you dance around with–?
Ross?
